Week 2 (am around 5 weeks pregnant, I think)

So, week 1 was a bit of a roller coaster. I spent the first three days ignoring the fact I’d just found out I was pregnant – morning sickness?! You mean the eggs were off and that’s why I’m feeling queasy……… Or, afternoon sickness? You mean the lunch I ate made me queasy………. Or why the fuck am I so tired?! Must be the bed being ummm….. weird……. And why do I keep FARTING!? I then spent a day talking about it with the husband shape and making THE decision, then spent a few days planning. Well, I say planning, what I actually mean is asking for advice “for a friend” on various forums about the best baby books to buy for pregnant mums/dads and the best maternity clothes emporiums to go which wouldn’t make “my friend” look like a twat and cost the equivalent of a new car. I also told two friends “the news” – one friend who’s an online friend, but has got three kids so knows what she’s talking about (I’d assume) and one friend who is a coffee friend and has no kids and no intention of ever having kids. Both were very supportive and happy for me (although I am pretty sure the stock response for pregnancy is “congratulations” and not “are you sure you want it?” which may have been what they were actually thinking).

Week 2 has so far looked a lot like: Rae is grumpy, Rae is angry, Rae is dizzy, Rae is farting (they really should list this as a sign of pregnancy), Rae is sick…… while my husband has mostly cheerfully tried to constantly reassure me that everything will be ok while looking like someone is holding a gun to his head.

I also get regular texts from Husband asking if I am ok, if I have left work yet, am I home yet, have I eaten, do I need anything etc…. which is lovely and annoying in equal measures. (mostly lovely, honestly).

In “the discussion” we agreed not to tell anyone and that we’d adopt the approach of not reading too much on the internet about what we “should” be doing as a lot of the advice seems to be subjective (other than the obvious ones like don’t drink booze, don’t smoke crack, bungee jumping being out yadder yadder). Basically, I trust my body, I trust that Ellie (the name for bump as we kept calling it the elephant in the room) to know what it wants and, as I am a fairly high risk pregnancy due to having PCOS, a family history of type 2 diabetes and preeclampsia and being 35, we’ve decided to keep quiet about it until around 4 months as I’m likely to miscarry. This would be easy to achieve if we didn’t live with the in-laws and my husband’s little brother. We’ve told them I have type 2 diabetes (which is partially true) which is why I’m no longer drinking alcohol and why I am avoiding certain foods although how long we’ll be able to keep this up is anyone’s guess.

A very big part of the reason we are not telling anyone is due to the constant “advice” we’ll receive once we announce the news, along with the assumptions and general “you cannot do that/you should do this” type statements which, I accept, are well meaning, but essentially annoying and often irrelevant.

My husband’s family is very close (mine not so much), they like to chat a lot (I sometimes don’t hear from my brother for 6 months) and they like to offer advice a lot (my family ask questions). I’m like my family, my husband is sometimes like his family, but also a bit of an enigma. As much as I respect people are different and entitled to their own opinions, this is mine and my husband’s pregnancy and we are going to do what we think is best for me and our baby which is not going to be a sentiment shared by everyone. So we have decided to keep quiet for now.

Week 2 has also been a lot about the pregnancy symptoms getting worse. I went for a run on the Monday and I was shattered. I went climbing on the Tuesday and, due to the dizziness, couldn’t look up and was shattered. I couldn’t run on the Wednesday as the sickness, dizziness and lethargy combined meant I only just about coped with cooking tea for everyone (it’s our turn on Wednesdays, we are not slaves). Thursday was the worst morning sickness so far, but Husband did a good job of getting me something small to eat and something gingery to drink which made the sickness ease off a bit.

I have also spent a good portion of the week alternating between being ok with it all and really not ok with it all. I’ve also spent a good portion of the week assuming most of the shit stuff going on is pregnancy related which, as my husband pointed out, is probably not entirely true.

However, week 2 can mostly be summed up by the feeling of: it’s like having a terminal diagnosis or winning the Lottery. Everything has just changed. It’s there all the time. It’s not necessarily the only thing on my mind, but it’s on my mind. My husband assures me that it’ll get better, but to be totally honest with you, at the moment, that doesn’t feel even remotely true.

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